Poem: A Small Thing Goes Wrong, But It Seems Like Everything

A Small Thing Goes Wrong, But It Seems Like Everything

I am hungry,
but what is here
is nothing I want,
and to eat it
would feel worse
than being hungry,
and anyone looking
would say, "that is fine,
you need to miss meals,
the way you look,"
and they might be right
if it were not wrong,
were not dangerous,
self-harming, even.
I must not skip meals
I am told, but
I don't want to eat tonight,
not if I can only eat 
the things available
that I did not want tonight
in the first place.
not if these are the choices
forced onto me.
I am being silly,
should just accept it,
this inevitable result,
should do what is possible,
even when it gives me the sense
of agreeing that it is fine.
I did not mention what happened,
did not say that we ordered dinner,
hours ago, we ordered,
then the order was cancelled
and we found another restaurant,
and they cancelled too,
and it was too late to order anything
and there is nothing here
which is why we ordered
and it feels like being told:
you cannot have anything you want.
It is not clear, I am sure,
I have not explained any of it.
I am sure I sound selfish and silly.
Maybe that is the truth of it all
and I am the awful one.
I want to think it is not me.  I did what was needed,
even when it all came to nothing.,
I don't want what remains possible,
accepting it would feel like saying I am fine
with being only ever allowed
the things I do not want.
I don't have anything I can do, though,
and I just want a choice
that does not feel awful.
I just want something that I can want
and that I can also have.

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