A Writer's Notebook, Day One-Thousand-One-Hundred-And-Twenty-Eight

I am glad to be getting work done earlier tonight.  I've spoken of the struggle I've had, recently, to get myself started, and it has often led to me writing at three or four in the morning, simply because I am hesitating to start, allow myself to succumb to distractions.  I've spoken in previous posts about the underlying issues that I think are driving this issue, and it may be that even just being aware has helped with managing things a bit better.  It is not as if these things are different, but I am, at least tonight I was able to push through and make a better decision.  I still feel that same way, and I don't know how I can change that.  It is a response to things that feel outside my control, and the only way I can meaningfully make that better, by my definition, is to change the situation itself, not my attitude or response.  That may not be reasonable, but it is not a matter of choice.  I've attempted shifting my feelings around these things, accepting things as they are so I can find satisfaction in what is present and possible for me, and it was not a positive shift, for me, but rather dreadful, as it felt like I was choosing to just accept a degree of abject failure without real hope of it getting better.  I didn't want to talk about this again, to be honest.  I wanted to discuss getting the work done tonight, talking about the positive shifts I've been making, but I am trapped in dark places much of the time right now.  I know I need a way forward, but I am more and more certain that does not exist.  I need to find real hope, and the only hope I can imagine involves having the capacity to make changes that matter in terms of the circumstances I am constantly reminded I cannot change.

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