A Writer's Notebook, Day Nine-Hundred-And-Ninety-Three

 I am struggling a great deal today.  The feelings I discussed yesterday are not resolved, and I just keep imagining this continuing on unchanged, for months and years.  It has not changed in years already: why expect anything else?  I do not know how to remain sane when the only real pathway towards my goals requires this kind of behavior.  Strangely, though, I wrote a great deal more than usual.  It may all be drivel, but I am uncertain of that.  It is all in a certain tone, of course.  I wish I could write more playful, happy poems again, but things are not happy or playful in my life right now, and I cannot find the way most of the time.  I'm feeling lost, and I want to find my way, but that seems impossible.  I am sick of struggling to get what I want and just being told to keep struggling and wait.  I need things to change, and I am willing to take action, but I don't have any idea what that would mean in this case, because I am not going to take some detour: it has to be a path that I can see the direct and immediate connection to the results I am seeking.  It can't just be doing a bunch of stuff and waiting or hoping it will lead to something else, scattering my efforts in ways that might or might not have meaning.  I have tried too many times to figure that out, and I always fail one way or another, and, besides, I just can't do something that is only about hoping.  Every step I have taken has only been just hoping, and it gets me no place.  I need to take real action that will impel me forwards, that leads to unmistakable progress.  What is that step?  If I cannot find it myself, how can I get the help I need to do so?  

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