A Writer's Notebook, Day Nine-Hundred-And-Forty-One

I often find myself in situations where I have a problem that I can define well, and where I know what would be a resolution to that problem, even, at times, where I am aware of a path forward that should lead to the resolution, and yet, when I enact the plan which is supposed to improve things, it does not work. It happens enough that I have to believe it is something specific that is to do with me, but it is not at all clear to me what I can do to change this if anything. I would like to believe it is something I am influencing, that I can learn what I am doing wrong and change it. but these situations often feel, at least, as if they go wrong because of events I am not in control of and the actions of other people. I know I cannot change how others act, but I have to recognize myself as the commonality in these things, of course. I mean, it is silly to think that a pattern around me is not related to me, even if I am unaware of what I am doing to court these results. This all seems logical, but if I get into specifics, as with my inability to get work published, I see nothing that I can change. I know that I have work that I am told is good. I've had other writers and poets, as well as agents and editors, tell me my work is good, even express an excitement about seeing it in print, encouraging me that it is the kind of work that people are looking for. I've had editors hear me read and solicit work from the reading, but when I submit those pieces, I only received form rejections in response. I am told it is just a matter of time and luck, but there is a point where I can't sit and think luck is the factor, unless I am to believe, as well, that luck is against me. I chose to dedicate myself to poetry because I was convinced it was a career I would thrive within. Poets I studied with as an undergraduate spent time convincing my parents that I should pursue this as a career. While I cannot deny that I have loved poetry since I was young, and have always had an affinity for writing, especially writing poetry, I did not think of becoming a poet as a career until I was pushed in that direction. I recall going to class, once, and mentioning the idea of getting a professional degree and having the whole room tell me I was wasting my talent and had should pursue writing instead. This was, of course, mostly students who were pushing back, but the point is more about my own thinking at the time. While, now, even the idea of shifting my pursuits from poetry is devastating, I recognize that as a result of all that has come before. I picked a path and followed it, and I am dedicated to it, now. I could have chosen another, once. The point of all this is not to say that I am owed something because of these factors, but more that I have reason to believe that I have poems that are good enough to be considered publishable. If my work is not at that standard, it becomes a matter of understanding the consistent and continued encouragement I receive, even, at times, in my rejections. I recently had a chapbook manuscript returned from a fairly well-known press with specific compliments on the work, suggestions on other presses to that might be interested, and contextualizing the rejection within the reality that this organization only publishes one chapbook a year. I don't feel unreasonable in assuming that the quality of my work is not the specific reason it isn't getting published, but if that is true, it makes it difficult to understand that I haven't gotten at least one or two acceptances for poems. I mean, I know that it is difficult to get work published, in general, but their is a point at which sending out a quantity of work should result in getting something accepted, just by statistics, unless their is another factor.  I have been working quite hard for a long while, and it is painful to feel that I cannot proceed, especially when I am told that I am doing the things that should be working, and am encouraged to just keep doing it and expect things to change.  I've had so many people tell me over the last two years that the work I am sending out is good and it is just a matter of continuing to send it out until something happens, but doing that with no results is making me feel terrible, and the only thing I can imagine making me feel worse is quitting the pursuit and accepting failure, as I have said before.

I want to find something to say here that is the next step beyond this point.  I've spoken about this and thought about it so much, and I recognize that their needs to be something I can do.  It is a matter of having work that people want to publish, of course, and I do not really know what I should do to make that happen.  I mean, I have tried to write more work in the direction of what I know is getting published, but I am not interested, or even capable, of dismissing my natural inclinations as a writer.  Yes, I can shift my work in directions I think are more enticing to editors at present, but I can't become a clone of other poets.  Those people are already doing that work, anyway, and better than any imitation I could muster.  The question of how to build an audience without already having work in print seems daunting, and I don't feel equipped to that challenge.  Indeed, it feels to me like it will require me to do things that my disability would render extremely difficult, if not impossible, and I don't even know if those efforts would be at all successful.  I feel that I have made efforts, though they have had minimal success, and I need to figure out what I really can do, and I need to make it work.