A Writer's Notebook, Day Eight-Hundred-And--Forty-Five

 I have been having a lot of very distressing dreams, most focused on the issues that have come up in my family this past year, and deriving from the feelings that have developed around this house where Melissa and I live.  When we bought it, I was very afraid that it was a mistake, as it is quite close to my mother, but it seemed to be the right choice at the time, for many different reasons.  I was concerned, but, after speaking about the issues with my Mom, Melissa and I decided it was what we wanted to do.  In specific, I was worried that my mother would not respect our boundaries, creating a situation in which this house became uncomfortable for Melissa and for me.  I feel very trapped, to be honest, and I do not know how to get out of the situation in any way that is acceptable.  I do not want to be in this house at all, any longer.  I've woken up crying the last several mornings, and that has been happening with more and more frequency, even at times when I cannot remember my dreams at all.  I do not want to be here, but to get out of this situation will cause such harm, it will make things feel even worse.  I need to find a resolution that does not leave me feeling all of this was just a huge loss, one that allows me to feel I got free of this and improved my situation by that choice, but it does not seem possible.  Perhaps I am being unreasonable, but I know that I need a victory out of this, a sense that it ended in a way that was positive for Melissa and I.  It is no good if the need to leave this place causes us to make a hasty decision.  We invested a lot of money in buying a home, and in the initial phases of the improvements for this house, and I don't believe we will be able to get out of this place and into one we like better without it costing too much.  I feel as if their are two resources that are essential to preserve to use in a home where it is possible to be happy, one is time and the other is money.  We set aside a certain amount of time to do a renovation, to have the house right for us within a year or so, and we set aside the money to do that work.  At this point, it feels as if we are going to be waiting at least three to five years before we are in that situation, and that, even if we can find the right house and sell this one, the cost of that process will leave us with far less for the remodel.  It is an impossible situation, and I feel as if I will die if I cannot find a solution that actually resolves this.

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