A Writer's Notebook, Day Seven-Hundred-And-Seventy-Five

Earlier today my brother told me he was never going to speak to me again after our Mother dies and intentionally backed a car into me.  My mother tried to hit me in the balls and told me that feelings I had expressed were a sign I needed "deep psychological counseling."  It was really a wonderful morning.  They decided to forgive me at some point, or at least to feign that much, and so spent the rest of the day pretending all that was meaningless.  I did get a wan apology from my brother about the comment, but neither of them even asked if I had been hurt by the car, or said anything to apologize for that.  

To explain how all this started: Melissa and I bought a house and moved.  It is quite near my mother, and we were concerned about this.  We attempted to establish certain boundaries, but had some difficulty.  While I do feel that they are respected, I also feel that the reality that Melissa and I have different needs, in terms of our own space, is a thing that I feel is interpreted as me rejecting and pushing away my Mother, and is a cause for deep resentment.  Certain aspects of this still remain a contentious issue.

A few months ago, less than a year after we moved, my brother decided to move into the area and look for a house.  I had literal nightmares about him finding a place on my street, and expressed my concern.  A few weeks ago, the issue came up briefly, again, and my Mother told my brother, "if you see a house there and you like it you're buying it, I don't care what they think."  She said this, or a rough equivalent, in conversation with all of us, and last night, my brother "asked me" what I thought about the fact that he was going to see a house down the street from us.  While he was out of the room, my mother also spoke to Melissa and I in a way that framed it as if we were keeping him from his dream.

I did not really have it in me, last night, to say anything, so I wrote them an email expressing my feelings, including the deep sense of upset I had at feeling manipulated, and that I had stated what I had because I did not want to face this situation.  On one hand, if my brother buys a house here, it will make me feel very uncomfortable and I fear it being an issue in deeper ways, but if he does not get a house, whether by his choice or not, I will feel guilty that I have a house here and he wants one.  I want him to be happy, but I also feel a desire to feel good in my own home as well, and right now, this house feels like it was always a trap.

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