A Writer's Notebook, Day Seven-Hundred-And-Fifty-Seven

 I am, once more, feeling rather despondent about my current situation in terms of publishing.  In part, I feel a degree of guilt and stupidity, as I did not start making a serious effort at developing my career when I was younger, though it is silly to think that way.  First, I am certain that the work I am doing now is a result of the studying and training I did during that time.  While it would have been good to be developing a career, I know my focus on understanding language has paid off, and I feel that I would not be doing work close to what I am now if I had not spent a long period focused on becoming a better writer, instead of focusing on publishing and developing commercial work.  The time I spent was not a waste, but the situation I am in often makes me feel as if it was.  What good is it, I will ask myself, to have spent time learning and growing as a writer if I can't get work published?  I know this is not a helpful, or even valid, question, but it comes along, and I have to remind myself, as well, that I was probably not really ready at that time, and that it would not have necessarily done me any good.  I don't know what would have happened, but I know how I was when I was younger, and I recognize that it might have been good for me to mature a bit.  None of this, of course, changes how I feel about my situation, and I am aware those underlying feelings of frustration and failure are not going to change without a shift in things that are outside my control, but that does not change the importance of combatting what ever aspects or negative ideas I can.

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