A Writer's Notebook, Day Seven-Hundred-And-Thirty-Three

I am not really certain what to write on here, if I am honest.  I got my work done early today, and have been successful in getting back on schedule.  I've a clearer sense of the story I am writing, and it seems to be shaping up in a way that feels promising to me.  At the same time, I cannot deny that I am still feeling quite low and lacking the same drive.  I've been writing only two poems for a long while now, and I know I should begin doing more again, but I don't feel the drive to do much more at the moment.  The continuous rejection has me quite on edge, and it is impacting me in ways that I know are not good, but I am not certain how to do anything about it.  I am glad that I still am doing the work, and I take it as a good sign in general, but I've not felt this dejected and lacking in motivation about writing for a long time, and I just do not know what to do.  I cannot help but feel that I have wasted my life by pursuing writing as a profession, and the only hope of changing that feeling is to prove it is not true, and at the moment I cannot get anywhere in that regard.   I know I need to figure out something, and I am certain that many will tell me it is a matter of altering my attitude and such, and I wish that would work, but at this point, I can't just accept this and think of it in those terms, not when I have spent my life studying, have spent tens of thousands of hours and dollars on an education in pursuit of this, especially not when I know I would never have made this choice if I had not received encouragement and promises, both direct and indirect, of help in my professional pursuits, none of which have come to pass.  I have attempted to reconcile my current predicament in a way that does not result in my feeling like a failure, but I always feel that is a lie.  If I cannot make a success of this, I am failing, and that is not acceptable to me.  That is the bottom line, and I am not willing to pretend that I am happy when I am failing.  Of course, that just leaves me in the position of accepting that I am miserable and have no way to fix it and it is destroying me, but I am hoping it is still progress in some way...

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