A Writer's Notebook, Day Three-Hundred-And-Thirty-Eight

It was slow going today, with my poems.  I did get my usual lot finished, but I needed to force myself into gear.  That is, of course, not all that unusual, but it felt particularly acute today.  First, because it took me some time, both this morning and this evening, to get started once I was seated at my desk, ready to write, and second because I had to give myself the push of writing about the lack of an idea in my head.  Now, in both cases, that is not what I wound up writing about, and I feel that the work has merit, but whenever I feel creatively dry enough to need to go that way, it is itself a sign that I am not entirely in the swing of things.

That feeling is not particularly significant, though, I don't think,  I mean, in the context of my continuing to work even when I feel this way, not being deterred by it, the feeling is not all that major.  I don't mean that in the sense of dismissing it as a feeling in and of itself, it is certainly a valid and meaningful expression of my internal state, but the fact that the work remains consistent in quality when I feel this way is also significant.

I think it is a natural thing to feel this way at times, and I think it may be, often really, a sort of internal resistance.  I've discussed this a bit before, but the essential idea is that some part of the creative mind is testing my level of commitment.  By continuing to work, even when these feelings emerge, I am showing my fidelity to this process.  In doing so, I get past that hurdle and am able to write. 

Now, that having been said, it does not change the fact of these feelings as they exist.  I think the best way for me to deal with that, again, is by doing the work.  When I think of my feeling a bit less inspired, being able to say, honestly, to myself that I have still done the work, that I am writing even when I don't feel like writing, well, that, to me, is a me saying that I am a professional, that I recognize this as my job, and do it even when I don't feel like it.  In that way, it is a triumph to keep going, even on a day when it feels like I just pushed myself to do what I had to.  The key is in remembering that just taking the action of writing each day is important and meaningful, even before I consider what I might have written.

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