A Writer's Notebook, Day Two-Hundred-And-Ninety-Eight
I am feeling comfortable, now, with the four poem schedule, though I am still allowing myself a bit more leeway with the work than I might have in the past few weeks. Of course, it is also true that inspiration cycles. I know that there were days not long back when I was hitting my head against that metaphorical wall attempting to think up ideas for new poems, so it is not all that hard to imagine that I would be in a situation like that again. It is hard, of course, to not think that each new approach is "the" way to keep going, but I think it is almost necessary for me to buy into that on some level, or else it would not work.
At present, I am doing a lot of good work, even if I am also allowing for more of the easy work as well. I wrote two poems tonight that I think are both good, at least as drafts, and I think that this mornings work is also of value, even if it was long hanging fruit in a way. As I have mentioned, I tend to think even the least works are probably useful for some purpose. I am contemplating creating a longer piece out of fragments and sections, which would be a sort of long poem about poetry and poetics, I think. It might just be a silly idea, but I think there is much in those poems that can be put to use.
Though I am doing the work, and feeling comfortable with it, I am also feeling a bit of a lull in my energy these last few days. I think it is just the effort of attempting to get the work out there. I find that to be one of the more difficult aspects of the work, and I am often afraid that I will make a silly, small error, such as a typo, or forget to fill in a line on a form, or some such, and that will disqualify me. Realistically, I find such things almost impossible. Dyslexia makes it very difficult, indeed, when I was in high school, I was allowed to have a person do the bubble sheets and fill in forms for me at standardized tests. It was understood that making me do those things directly would severely compromise the validity of any results, yet, as an adult, it is not even reasonable for me to suggest that this is ableist.
Anyhow, I find the entire process of getting things in shape for sending out, and the effort of doing forms and filling all of that stuff out utterly exhausting. After spending time on that work, I often have a severe headache and need to nap from the mental strain it causes. It is tiring in a way that I think most people would never really get, and probably many who read this would think I am being silly or exaggerating. Truthfully, I don't think it even would matter to anyone if they heard what I have to say and believed me. The truth is, the systems are not set up to make exceptions for such issues. The systems that I am talking about are automated, and cannot distinguish me from someone else, even if I were wanting to say immediately that I have these issues in a submission. It would be practically impossible to create a system that allows a person with my issues to be treated appropriately without it requiring completely hands on and individual attention, and the automation of things is a necessity for most publishing organizations. I recognize this reality, but it is rather difficult for me. Indeed, I think that many writers I know just think I am lazy to not submit more, but these aspects pose a real barrier for me. I think I might well have missed one or two opportunities in the past through such silly errors, and it is impossible to correct such things once they happen.
I do want to be optimistic, though, even if I find things to be difficult. Being disabled is difficult, right, so I am only complaining about the obvious, even if my disabilities remain largely unseen in most contexts. I am quite lucky in many ways, and I know that, even if certain things seem set up to make my life more difficult, the fact is I don't know what it would mean for me if I had to write by hand all the time, or even on a typewriter, so the very computer's that make things difficult are also essential for me. So, really, I just need to keep at it, maybe especially because I find it such a challenge.
At present, I am doing a lot of good work, even if I am also allowing for more of the easy work as well. I wrote two poems tonight that I think are both good, at least as drafts, and I think that this mornings work is also of value, even if it was long hanging fruit in a way. As I have mentioned, I tend to think even the least works are probably useful for some purpose. I am contemplating creating a longer piece out of fragments and sections, which would be a sort of long poem about poetry and poetics, I think. It might just be a silly idea, but I think there is much in those poems that can be put to use.
Though I am doing the work, and feeling comfortable with it, I am also feeling a bit of a lull in my energy these last few days. I think it is just the effort of attempting to get the work out there. I find that to be one of the more difficult aspects of the work, and I am often afraid that I will make a silly, small error, such as a typo, or forget to fill in a line on a form, or some such, and that will disqualify me. Realistically, I find such things almost impossible. Dyslexia makes it very difficult, indeed, when I was in high school, I was allowed to have a person do the bubble sheets and fill in forms for me at standardized tests. It was understood that making me do those things directly would severely compromise the validity of any results, yet, as an adult, it is not even reasonable for me to suggest that this is ableist.
Anyhow, I find the entire process of getting things in shape for sending out, and the effort of doing forms and filling all of that stuff out utterly exhausting. After spending time on that work, I often have a severe headache and need to nap from the mental strain it causes. It is tiring in a way that I think most people would never really get, and probably many who read this would think I am being silly or exaggerating. Truthfully, I don't think it even would matter to anyone if they heard what I have to say and believed me. The truth is, the systems are not set up to make exceptions for such issues. The systems that I am talking about are automated, and cannot distinguish me from someone else, even if I were wanting to say immediately that I have these issues in a submission. It would be practically impossible to create a system that allows a person with my issues to be treated appropriately without it requiring completely hands on and individual attention, and the automation of things is a necessity for most publishing organizations. I recognize this reality, but it is rather difficult for me. Indeed, I think that many writers I know just think I am lazy to not submit more, but these aspects pose a real barrier for me. I think I might well have missed one or two opportunities in the past through such silly errors, and it is impossible to correct such things once they happen.
I do want to be optimistic, though, even if I find things to be difficult. Being disabled is difficult, right, so I am only complaining about the obvious, even if my disabilities remain largely unseen in most contexts. I am quite lucky in many ways, and I know that, even if certain things seem set up to make my life more difficult, the fact is I don't know what it would mean for me if I had to write by hand all the time, or even on a typewriter, so the very computer's that make things difficult are also essential for me. So, really, I just need to keep at it, maybe especially because I find it such a challenge.
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