A Writer's Notebook, Day Three-Hundred-And-Two
I kept my pace at four new poems today, and actually sent one out that I thought was particularly timely. There is a particular journal that has an online section for news related work where I am interested in placing a poem, so when I have something I think they might be interested in, I send it over. Because the premise is news based, they choose poems on a weekly basis and they want work that is fresh and topical. I think it's worth sending them stuff regularly, especially since I do write new poems daily, and some tend to be in response to recent events in the world.
That was a poem that I wrote in the morning, along with one that was a sort of confessional piece, but focused on aspects of my life as a writer. It wasn't in that same vein as the poems I tend to call "plate spinning" exercises but an actual effort to understand and communicate some complex issues surrounding the work. It felt like something that may be a bit more for myself, though, if I am honest, in that I think it helped me to clear some thoughts and address some of my own issues, but might not be anything that others would be interested in. I have been wrong about things like that before, where someone has looked at a piece of mine that I didn't think would have resonance, only to be told it has a strong impact. To be clear, it sometimes goes the other way as well, where I show a poem I think is great and am told it is not working. It can be quite hard to know the merit of a poem, but that doesn't change me from having a gut feeling about each piece, one that seems to be rather unreliable. I suppose that is part of the creative process.
I also, as I mentioned, wrote two poems this evening, both of which were again personal, though focused on other issues, mainly surrounding experiences I have had due to my dyslexia. I've been having difficulties recently with coordination, which is not all that strange for me, but it does get worse sometimes. The past few days have been a struggle, even to put on socks or shoes, and I have also been in a few situations where some of my issues came up in other ways. In particular, I've been having to fill out a lot of forms and have been in the situation of being told to that my handwriting needs to be neater. As a person who cannot produce handwriting with any higher degree of efficiency, and who finds the act itself physical and mentally taxing, that can be quite hurtful. What is more, I feel judged by my writing, and even if I express that I have a disability, it is clear to me that many people do not believe me, or think it must mean I am a dolt. Those experiences often rile me up, and I found myself attempting to express some of that frustration in my work this evening. Honestly, I am not certain of the effectiveness of this work, but it is a major issue in my life, and I am committed to finding a way to express some of what I feel. At many times, though, I feel that others dismiss my issues out of hand, and I even wonder if readers of this blog will look at what I am writing here and think I am just complaining. The feeling that even attempting to express these frustrations can easily be met with those kinds of responses is something that is ingrained in me at this point, and I wish that the feeling wasn't so often accurate in terms of the responses I get. I do hope to be able to find a way to create work that can express some of what it is like to be in this situation. Too many people I encounter don't understand, for example, that the quality of my handwriting is only the visible result, that the disability itself is not about that, but actually about the process of writing by hand, and that the real problem is finding it so difficult to write in the first place. I am sure many people with bad penmanship can spend a long time writing by hand without pain or mental strain.
Anyhow, I am feeling good about the work today. I would like to write some different kinds of poems tomorrow, and I am hoping that I will have some fresh new thoughts in the morning. Though I am proud of today's work, I tend to think my best poems are in a different mode. I've got a few thoughts percolating in the back of my head right now, but I am not sure what they are right now. It is going to take a little time for them to come out, but I am hopeful that a good night's sleep might do the trick.
That was a poem that I wrote in the morning, along with one that was a sort of confessional piece, but focused on aspects of my life as a writer. It wasn't in that same vein as the poems I tend to call "plate spinning" exercises but an actual effort to understand and communicate some complex issues surrounding the work. It felt like something that may be a bit more for myself, though, if I am honest, in that I think it helped me to clear some thoughts and address some of my own issues, but might not be anything that others would be interested in. I have been wrong about things like that before, where someone has looked at a piece of mine that I didn't think would have resonance, only to be told it has a strong impact. To be clear, it sometimes goes the other way as well, where I show a poem I think is great and am told it is not working. It can be quite hard to know the merit of a poem, but that doesn't change me from having a gut feeling about each piece, one that seems to be rather unreliable. I suppose that is part of the creative process.
I also, as I mentioned, wrote two poems this evening, both of which were again personal, though focused on other issues, mainly surrounding experiences I have had due to my dyslexia. I've been having difficulties recently with coordination, which is not all that strange for me, but it does get worse sometimes. The past few days have been a struggle, even to put on socks or shoes, and I have also been in a few situations where some of my issues came up in other ways. In particular, I've been having to fill out a lot of forms and have been in the situation of being told to that my handwriting needs to be neater. As a person who cannot produce handwriting with any higher degree of efficiency, and who finds the act itself physical and mentally taxing, that can be quite hurtful. What is more, I feel judged by my writing, and even if I express that I have a disability, it is clear to me that many people do not believe me, or think it must mean I am a dolt. Those experiences often rile me up, and I found myself attempting to express some of that frustration in my work this evening. Honestly, I am not certain of the effectiveness of this work, but it is a major issue in my life, and I am committed to finding a way to express some of what I feel. At many times, though, I feel that others dismiss my issues out of hand, and I even wonder if readers of this blog will look at what I am writing here and think I am just complaining. The feeling that even attempting to express these frustrations can easily be met with those kinds of responses is something that is ingrained in me at this point, and I wish that the feeling wasn't so often accurate in terms of the responses I get. I do hope to be able to find a way to create work that can express some of what it is like to be in this situation. Too many people I encounter don't understand, for example, that the quality of my handwriting is only the visible result, that the disability itself is not about that, but actually about the process of writing by hand, and that the real problem is finding it so difficult to write in the first place. I am sure many people with bad penmanship can spend a long time writing by hand without pain or mental strain.
Anyhow, I am feeling good about the work today. I would like to write some different kinds of poems tomorrow, and I am hoping that I will have some fresh new thoughts in the morning. Though I am proud of today's work, I tend to think my best poems are in a different mode. I've got a few thoughts percolating in the back of my head right now, but I am not sure what they are right now. It is going to take a little time for them to come out, but I am hopeful that a good night's sleep might do the trick.
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