Contemplating The Anxiety Which Has Been Plaguing My Writing This Week

I recognize that one of the issues that is causing me, right at this moment, to feel some hesitancy around the book is a fear that I might not finish by the first.  Now, in one sense, this is insignificant.  As far as it goes, I have completed the challenge as it is written, and I should be willing to allow myself that time to complete what I must, recognizing that it won't be that long anyhow.  This is complicated by my desire to enter the official nanowrimo next month, but I could either keep working on this and write the new piece, or put Gus And Bow aside for a month, if I chose. 

I think, if I did not feel this pressure, it would be less difficult and I probably would get finished in the time I wish anyhow.  I'm certainly writing, and I find that a lot of interesting things are coming together, with characters showing little quirks and depths I hadn't necessarily imagined.  I recognize that I am still not to the part where things will be more difficult to write, but I don't think I will have as much trouble with that, once I have a more concrete understanding of the actual plot.  At this moment, I do have a very clear sense of that ending in terms of structural and formal elements, and in terms of the general plot shape, but I don't really see it clearly yet.

Now, the point I am making, rather than rehashing my thoughts about the ending of this project, is that the deadline seems to be scaring me.  I am already over 61,000 words today, and I plan to write more tonight, but a part of me is feeling rather skittish at working, and I think that is growing from the fear of missing a deadline.  That it is self-imposed and arbitrary is insignificant.  In normal times, I think the prospect of what I am about to get to write in order to craft this ending would be exhilarating, and I am sure that it will be, when I get there.

I think that a large part of this feeling I have, though, really is about whether I will make that deadline.  So, I have decided that I am going to aim for being done, but if not, it doesn't really matter.  I have written the 50,000 words, and I am counting myself as having succeeded.  I am going to make sure this book gets finished, and I may well be done by the first in any case.  I am hoping that I will get it done, but I am not going to sweat it if I don't.

The point is, I want to let myself feel free to do the work, and not feel a hammer overhead. I believe that I will easily do the work in the time allotted, but I am also going to aim to see if I can get through by the first.  Whatever the outcome, though, I feel this has been a success, and I am excited about repeating this as part of the actual nanowrimo, for the community support, and because I think it will be a good momentum builder.  I want to keep at this, and the kick of nanowrimo is something that I think will help me to keep going for the second month.  The third month, I think, will be easier, as by then it will be a bit routine. 

Anyhow, the point is that I am still feeling a certain anxiety, but I do keep working, and I am attempting to relieve any pressure on myself right now, so I can do the work with greater freedom and without any of the negative energy that has been bogging me down lately.  Anyhow, I am eager to get back to work, and I will give an update when I am done.

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