A Writer's Notebook: Day Eleven
Instead of working on the story today, I wound up writing a poem. I am still really upset after yesterday, and I feel very raw. The poem was an effort to get through some of that feeling and attempt to express it in a productive way. I feel good to have done that, and I may still get back to work on the story later, and there is also the possibility of my writing another poem.
I have not been writing poetry much lately. In years past, I was much more of a poet than a fiction writer, but I have swung in the other direction. Now, however, at this moment, I feel that I need to do more work in poetry. I don't want to stop writing fiction, but I recognize that I am not going to be limited in that sense. I also have written some short plays recently, and expect that I will do more work in that direction as well.
Poetry was my first real love as a writer, though, and I have to admit that I feel a bit bad about not writing more poetry, That may in part fuel my own lack of writing, which may just sound silly, after all I am basically saying that I am not writing as a result of the fact that I am not writing, and I acknowledge how silly that sounds. But, we all have irrational feelings, and it can be easier to bury guilt entirely by not looking in that direction at all. I stopped writing poetry at some point, and I began to feel a sense of loss associated with that which calcified into a bundle of negative emotions involving guilt and self-defeating attitudes, and this resulted in me choosing not to confront those feelings by not writing so much, particularly poetry.
So, I feel quite strong about the choice to make myself write a poem about this whole thing. The poem is rather vague, and I am not usually a confessional poet at all, if I am honest. That is usually not what I am interested in expressing with my poetry, though I love a lot of very personal poetry. I don't know, but I never wanted to go that direction, instead choosing to write more narrative and surrealist stuff, with what many would note as a "New York School" influence(O'hare I have a particular fondness for).
It does not, thus, come all that naturally for me to put my feelings into that format, and I am somewhat uncertain of the result. I think it is also in part a result of my feeling so raw and close, which may make the work terrible, but I don't know. I can't tell, because my own emotions about the actual subject of the poem are so strong at the moment that they obscure the poem's actual impact. But, I really don't care that much about that, and I need to recognize that. I think it is a bit embarrassing for me to write about myself in some ways, which is ironic as my novel is so much about me, in some ways.
Last year, a poet that I was talking with about some of my work said something about being interested in seeing more personal and confessional work from me. In some ways, I can understand her statement, though at that time I felt a bit of a disconnect from it. This is not a reflection on the person who said it, as I think she is a really wonderful person and have always had positive encounters with her, but writing impersonal poetry is a genuine aspect of much of my work. Many times, it is an effort to make things that are more universal, that build a metaphor to express an aspect of my individual experience but in a way that is accessible, I hope, for anybody. I couldn't help but feel that her statement seemed to prioritize personal poetry as better or more desirably in some way, which may well be her experience, but does not reflect mine.
Now, however, I want to be able to go in that direction more. I want to be able to do a lot of different things as a writer, to not limit my efforts to what is familiar. If I am going to write things that are new and interesting, I can't do it by being afraid of exploring and experimenting. In addition, I think I can also sense the value of being able to draw on things that have happened, like yesterday, to try and use them in positive ways instead of just feeling sick and miserable. It does not really make me feel better about what happened, but writing that poem does make me recognize that the event can become part of something positive even if it is negative itself. In writing a poem, I need to allow myself to experience it differently, to shift my perspective and understand deeper connections and similarities that exist between what I am writing about and everything else, and so writing a poem about a thing is also a way to shake up my thinking and consider it in other ways. These may not always be positive, but they can point me towards what I am actually upset about. By writing the poem, I can gain new insights about myself and about the world around me. Indeed, it is by, at least in part, capturing that process and creating that type of experience for a reader that poetry can create meanings and experiences of depth and transformation.
I have not been writing poetry much lately. In years past, I was much more of a poet than a fiction writer, but I have swung in the other direction. Now, however, at this moment, I feel that I need to do more work in poetry. I don't want to stop writing fiction, but I recognize that I am not going to be limited in that sense. I also have written some short plays recently, and expect that I will do more work in that direction as well.
Poetry was my first real love as a writer, though, and I have to admit that I feel a bit bad about not writing more poetry, That may in part fuel my own lack of writing, which may just sound silly, after all I am basically saying that I am not writing as a result of the fact that I am not writing, and I acknowledge how silly that sounds. But, we all have irrational feelings, and it can be easier to bury guilt entirely by not looking in that direction at all. I stopped writing poetry at some point, and I began to feel a sense of loss associated with that which calcified into a bundle of negative emotions involving guilt and self-defeating attitudes, and this resulted in me choosing not to confront those feelings by not writing so much, particularly poetry.
So, I feel quite strong about the choice to make myself write a poem about this whole thing. The poem is rather vague, and I am not usually a confessional poet at all, if I am honest. That is usually not what I am interested in expressing with my poetry, though I love a lot of very personal poetry. I don't know, but I never wanted to go that direction, instead choosing to write more narrative and surrealist stuff, with what many would note as a "New York School" influence(O'hare I have a particular fondness for).
It does not, thus, come all that naturally for me to put my feelings into that format, and I am somewhat uncertain of the result. I think it is also in part a result of my feeling so raw and close, which may make the work terrible, but I don't know. I can't tell, because my own emotions about the actual subject of the poem are so strong at the moment that they obscure the poem's actual impact. But, I really don't care that much about that, and I need to recognize that. I think it is a bit embarrassing for me to write about myself in some ways, which is ironic as my novel is so much about me, in some ways.
Last year, a poet that I was talking with about some of my work said something about being interested in seeing more personal and confessional work from me. In some ways, I can understand her statement, though at that time I felt a bit of a disconnect from it. This is not a reflection on the person who said it, as I think she is a really wonderful person and have always had positive encounters with her, but writing impersonal poetry is a genuine aspect of much of my work. Many times, it is an effort to make things that are more universal, that build a metaphor to express an aspect of my individual experience but in a way that is accessible, I hope, for anybody. I couldn't help but feel that her statement seemed to prioritize personal poetry as better or more desirably in some way, which may well be her experience, but does not reflect mine.
Now, however, I want to be able to go in that direction more. I want to be able to do a lot of different things as a writer, to not limit my efforts to what is familiar. If I am going to write things that are new and interesting, I can't do it by being afraid of exploring and experimenting. In addition, I think I can also sense the value of being able to draw on things that have happened, like yesterday, to try and use them in positive ways instead of just feeling sick and miserable. It does not really make me feel better about what happened, but writing that poem does make me recognize that the event can become part of something positive even if it is negative itself. In writing a poem, I need to allow myself to experience it differently, to shift my perspective and understand deeper connections and similarities that exist between what I am writing about and everything else, and so writing a poem about a thing is also a way to shake up my thinking and consider it in other ways. These may not always be positive, but they can point me towards what I am actually upset about. By writing the poem, I can gain new insights about myself and about the world around me. Indeed, it is by, at least in part, capturing that process and creating that type of experience for a reader that poetry can create meanings and experiences of depth and transformation.
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