A Writer's Notebook: Day Seven
I've not yet finished the story I am writing, though I am continuing to work on it. I'm considering the resistance that I am currently feeling and recognize that it is not necessarily about the story itself. At present, I am engaged in testing my own ability to self-direct my work. As such, it seems natural to me that my mind would, in an effort to push back, create feelings of resistance around my efforts to create. I, naturally, am prone to seeing those emotions as related to the story, but it is actually not connected to what I am writing at all. Instead, it is just my unconscious testing my resolve to keep going.
That, at least, is how I am choosing to interpret the resistance I am feeling. It may well be that I am wrong in one way or another and that it is actually connected to the story in some way. Perhaps, I really am writing something that will be awful and from which I end up salvaging nothing, but I do not believe that. I feel a bit off kilter, as though I do not really know what I am doing entirely, but I do have a strong sense of the story, so that feeling isn't entirely right.
By interpreting my feelings as being connected to the discipline I am developing, I am letting go of many of those concerns about the work and focusing, once more, on getting it done to prove I can. That is the important thing to do and I am taking those steps. I need to force myself to finish the story, at this point, and I hope that is going to happen in the next day, but I can see how that might be complicated. I need to get it done, though, and I recognize that I will have to pressure myself to do so. If I don't, I could see myself spinning my wheels for a long while. I may already be doing that to an extent, but I can limit that, and in so doing keep myself in a forwards trajectory.
At present, the story is still creeping along. I have introduced Bimble and begun to move in to some of the more whimsical aspects of the story, I think. It is going slowly, but I feel good about what the work in general. It may need some shaping later, but their is a lot of detail beginning to develop and I feel that I have not yet entered the center of the story yet. I am still just setting up the main event.
I do keep noticing certain types of cliche story beats that I think of using in one way and then consider what they actually mean and try to see how I can play with those expectations, without drawing attention to them. They are small things, but they are helping to guide how I am thinking about the story, especially by providing me with small moments and exchanges to write towards. They are not always major moments, but they are character moments and can provide beats within a scene.
It is also challenging to keep myself from going to far in the narration. I tend to be much more open in my narration, to comment on the events and speak about what is happening on many levels, but this story requires something different, and that challenge is one that keeps popping up. I have to consider smaller and smaller details as I think about it, wondering if just the use of a certain word will imply to much interpretation from the narrator, and keeping outside the specifics of the character's thoughts requires me to remain vigilant. I would not be surprised to find I had neglected that before, and I am certainly rethinking certain small choices I made. A specific word in one sentence, actually, and I am sure I will wind up changing it, but I don't know what it will be yet.
I have to think of a little thing like that as a positive, honestly. I am getting more and more aware of what is actually necessary in this particular story, and that means that it is doing something. It is working, at least on some level, or I would not have that sense of it needing certain kinds of attention. The hesitancy I feel is a natural thing, and part is probably building on my doubts about the story, but the general truth is larger and more about my own insecurities as a writer and as a person.
It has been a long time since I had any sort of real structure imposed on my life, and I never really learnt how to create my own schedule. I did not have a real work routine at any point, and even in graduate school I was pretty flexible with my writing and other work hours. Unless I had a specific deadline, I didn't usually do a lot of work. Changing that is bound to confront certain opposing processes. I have done things one way a long time, and I need to change that, but the ghosts of that old way still want to keep things the same. The resistance I am feeling is only a haunting, and the only way it can hold real power is if I give in. But, instead, I am going to finish the story, and then I will begin the next one.
While I am not going to commit to being done with the story tomorrow, I wanted to make certain that I commit to getting the next response piece on Wonderbook up. I have been intending to di another entry for the last few days, and it is my own fault that I have not. Tomorrow, though, I am going to be back on that, as well as continuing the story and my comments on that process.
That, at least, is how I am choosing to interpret the resistance I am feeling. It may well be that I am wrong in one way or another and that it is actually connected to the story in some way. Perhaps, I really am writing something that will be awful and from which I end up salvaging nothing, but I do not believe that. I feel a bit off kilter, as though I do not really know what I am doing entirely, but I do have a strong sense of the story, so that feeling isn't entirely right.
By interpreting my feelings as being connected to the discipline I am developing, I am letting go of many of those concerns about the work and focusing, once more, on getting it done to prove I can. That is the important thing to do and I am taking those steps. I need to force myself to finish the story, at this point, and I hope that is going to happen in the next day, but I can see how that might be complicated. I need to get it done, though, and I recognize that I will have to pressure myself to do so. If I don't, I could see myself spinning my wheels for a long while. I may already be doing that to an extent, but I can limit that, and in so doing keep myself in a forwards trajectory.
At present, the story is still creeping along. I have introduced Bimble and begun to move in to some of the more whimsical aspects of the story, I think. It is going slowly, but I feel good about what the work in general. It may need some shaping later, but their is a lot of detail beginning to develop and I feel that I have not yet entered the center of the story yet. I am still just setting up the main event.
I do keep noticing certain types of cliche story beats that I think of using in one way and then consider what they actually mean and try to see how I can play with those expectations, without drawing attention to them. They are small things, but they are helping to guide how I am thinking about the story, especially by providing me with small moments and exchanges to write towards. They are not always major moments, but they are character moments and can provide beats within a scene.
It is also challenging to keep myself from going to far in the narration. I tend to be much more open in my narration, to comment on the events and speak about what is happening on many levels, but this story requires something different, and that challenge is one that keeps popping up. I have to consider smaller and smaller details as I think about it, wondering if just the use of a certain word will imply to much interpretation from the narrator, and keeping outside the specifics of the character's thoughts requires me to remain vigilant. I would not be surprised to find I had neglected that before, and I am certainly rethinking certain small choices I made. A specific word in one sentence, actually, and I am sure I will wind up changing it, but I don't know what it will be yet.
I have to think of a little thing like that as a positive, honestly. I am getting more and more aware of what is actually necessary in this particular story, and that means that it is doing something. It is working, at least on some level, or I would not have that sense of it needing certain kinds of attention. The hesitancy I feel is a natural thing, and part is probably building on my doubts about the story, but the general truth is larger and more about my own insecurities as a writer and as a person.
It has been a long time since I had any sort of real structure imposed on my life, and I never really learnt how to create my own schedule. I did not have a real work routine at any point, and even in graduate school I was pretty flexible with my writing and other work hours. Unless I had a specific deadline, I didn't usually do a lot of work. Changing that is bound to confront certain opposing processes. I have done things one way a long time, and I need to change that, but the ghosts of that old way still want to keep things the same. The resistance I am feeling is only a haunting, and the only way it can hold real power is if I give in. But, instead, I am going to finish the story, and then I will begin the next one.
While I am not going to commit to being done with the story tomorrow, I wanted to make certain that I commit to getting the next response piece on Wonderbook up. I have been intending to di another entry for the last few days, and it is my own fault that I have not. Tomorrow, though, I am going to be back on that, as well as continuing the story and my comments on that process.
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