A Writer's Notebook: Day Five
I began writing the story, so far it is only the first scene, but it is a beginning. It is not clear to me why, but I still have certain hesitancy around the story right now. It may well be that I need to find what it really is about still, in some way, but I am writing it and that is the best way to get those answers.
In truth, I still feel a bit off at the moment. It may be that I just need to grow accustomed to this aspect of my process, as I needed to understand certain phases that I experienced earlier. I think that the most significant thing for me to recognize is that what I can control is actually doing the writing. First, I need to recognize that I am actually the one in control of that on a very simple and literal level. It is up to me and me alone whether today is a productive day, and making it one by spending time writing, even if that writing may not lead to a significant result, is a major act in and of itself. The results of what I write need to be secondary. I can only improve my work by doing it, at the end of the day. I may learn from other writers, but it is by using my own talent that I can develop the skills and improve the odds that whatever I happen to be working on will become something of value.
Thus, while I can sit here and pick apart my current writing, and that may well come, I am also going to recognize that it is a major step to just begin this work. I also need to realize that when I began this blog, which is not all that long ago, it was hard for me to begin making myself do this work, but by doing so each day I changed that. I have shifted to a place where I feel the need to do this work, and recognize that I can do it easily, therefore I have no excuse to not do it. I also realize that, while I may feel hesitant at times about starting, as I am tired or feel a bit drained creatively, I have still managed to do this work. That means I cannot excuse myself from it for such reasons, and must take this work more seriously.
By extending myself to do this story, I am not merely writing one story, but beginning the process of integrating that attitude about other writing, so that I can become the prolific author I can be. I want to write a lot and I want to write well, and I believe that both are possible. I am proving this to myself by taking control of what is in my power. I can work each day to write, and I can take that work seriously.
So, my feelings about my current story are important, but they are also secondary to the value of doing the work. I need to hold that in mind, and not dismiss the value of recognizing this as an important step. While I do want this to be a great story, and I believe it certainly has that potential, I also realize that I can't control that in some ways. That is wrong, but it is also the only way to think about it that helps. Certainly, I am in control of the quality of my work, but to think about the quality in that way while writing is also stifling. Beyond which, at least in my process, a great deal has to be developed through collaboration with and trust of those parts of my mind that are outside my conscious awareness. Stories come together in the mind from different places, and I know that their are always things being worked out in the back of my head.
I am fairly excited, thinking about it, to write some of this story. It is important to get the first part right so that I can do what I want in the middle and the end, but I am already having fun considering certain parts of the story, and I am excited to get to that part of the story. I think that I will find what is missing and what is really at the heart of it all when I get that stuff done. It seems possible that it could change the story or take it over in some way, and I am not sure about what I think of that.
This is a thing that I need to learn, though, and it is something that I attempted to think about before. It is not a question of what is right, but what I want to do. If I want to make the story about a different thing, that is a choice I can make and it can work, and I am free to choose that. If I want to stay with my original intent, that is my choice too. It is easy for a writer to think of the story as making that decision, and in a way that is probably true, but it is also true that neither decision was right in terms of the story itself. It may have created a better story, but that is as much a function of the writer and their specific relationship with the idea, as it is a function of the change to the story. Two stories can have the same setup and opposing outcomes, and both can be great. One story can go wildly off course while another does not, and each can be great. It is not what you choose that makes it better, it is why you choose and what you do with that choice. To recognize that I am choosing in this way is an empowering thing, as it liberates me from the idea that one choice is truly the right one.
About what has been written thus far of the story I am not entirely certain, but that is natural. My concerns about it are on two levels. One is easy to fix, as it is about things that can always be revised with a change of a sentence. I used a bit of a cliche tag at the end of the scene, and I am thinking that will have to change, but I understand the gesture behind that particular cliche and am wondering how I can work to use that aspect in a different and fresher way. The other layer of my feelings is not as clearly defined, and I am not sure at the moment if it is even well-founded. I need to write more of the story in order to judge it. It may go too far in certain directions, and it may not capture the character properly. These may be deep flaws, but I don't really know, even if I think they are. I can't tell yet, but I can write the rest of the story and find out. I can get the answers that will make it clear to me what the story is really about, and that will make it clear what the beginning truly needs. For now, I can celebrate that I am beginning, and recognize the importance of that step, and can be glad that I am keen to keep going with this story, especially when I am just about to get to the good stuff.
In truth, I still feel a bit off at the moment. It may be that I just need to grow accustomed to this aspect of my process, as I needed to understand certain phases that I experienced earlier. I think that the most significant thing for me to recognize is that what I can control is actually doing the writing. First, I need to recognize that I am actually the one in control of that on a very simple and literal level. It is up to me and me alone whether today is a productive day, and making it one by spending time writing, even if that writing may not lead to a significant result, is a major act in and of itself. The results of what I write need to be secondary. I can only improve my work by doing it, at the end of the day. I may learn from other writers, but it is by using my own talent that I can develop the skills and improve the odds that whatever I happen to be working on will become something of value.
Thus, while I can sit here and pick apart my current writing, and that may well come, I am also going to recognize that it is a major step to just begin this work. I also need to realize that when I began this blog, which is not all that long ago, it was hard for me to begin making myself do this work, but by doing so each day I changed that. I have shifted to a place where I feel the need to do this work, and recognize that I can do it easily, therefore I have no excuse to not do it. I also realize that, while I may feel hesitant at times about starting, as I am tired or feel a bit drained creatively, I have still managed to do this work. That means I cannot excuse myself from it for such reasons, and must take this work more seriously.
By extending myself to do this story, I am not merely writing one story, but beginning the process of integrating that attitude about other writing, so that I can become the prolific author I can be. I want to write a lot and I want to write well, and I believe that both are possible. I am proving this to myself by taking control of what is in my power. I can work each day to write, and I can take that work seriously.
So, my feelings about my current story are important, but they are also secondary to the value of doing the work. I need to hold that in mind, and not dismiss the value of recognizing this as an important step. While I do want this to be a great story, and I believe it certainly has that potential, I also realize that I can't control that in some ways. That is wrong, but it is also the only way to think about it that helps. Certainly, I am in control of the quality of my work, but to think about the quality in that way while writing is also stifling. Beyond which, at least in my process, a great deal has to be developed through collaboration with and trust of those parts of my mind that are outside my conscious awareness. Stories come together in the mind from different places, and I know that their are always things being worked out in the back of my head.
I am fairly excited, thinking about it, to write some of this story. It is important to get the first part right so that I can do what I want in the middle and the end, but I am already having fun considering certain parts of the story, and I am excited to get to that part of the story. I think that I will find what is missing and what is really at the heart of it all when I get that stuff done. It seems possible that it could change the story or take it over in some way, and I am not sure about what I think of that.
This is a thing that I need to learn, though, and it is something that I attempted to think about before. It is not a question of what is right, but what I want to do. If I want to make the story about a different thing, that is a choice I can make and it can work, and I am free to choose that. If I want to stay with my original intent, that is my choice too. It is easy for a writer to think of the story as making that decision, and in a way that is probably true, but it is also true that neither decision was right in terms of the story itself. It may have created a better story, but that is as much a function of the writer and their specific relationship with the idea, as it is a function of the change to the story. Two stories can have the same setup and opposing outcomes, and both can be great. One story can go wildly off course while another does not, and each can be great. It is not what you choose that makes it better, it is why you choose and what you do with that choice. To recognize that I am choosing in this way is an empowering thing, as it liberates me from the idea that one choice is truly the right one.
About what has been written thus far of the story I am not entirely certain, but that is natural. My concerns about it are on two levels. One is easy to fix, as it is about things that can always be revised with a change of a sentence. I used a bit of a cliche tag at the end of the scene, and I am thinking that will have to change, but I understand the gesture behind that particular cliche and am wondering how I can work to use that aspect in a different and fresher way. The other layer of my feelings is not as clearly defined, and I am not sure at the moment if it is even well-founded. I need to write more of the story in order to judge it. It may go too far in certain directions, and it may not capture the character properly. These may be deep flaws, but I don't really know, even if I think they are. I can't tell yet, but I can write the rest of the story and find out. I can get the answers that will make it clear to me what the story is really about, and that will make it clear what the beginning truly needs. For now, I can celebrate that I am beginning, and recognize the importance of that step, and can be glad that I am keen to keep going with this story, especially when I am just about to get to the good stuff.
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