Would That I Might

My mother has covid.  She had tested negative a few days ago, but she decided to take another test today and this one was positive.  I am trying to keep tabs on her while also staying away, which isn't always easy.  I did see her briefly and socially distanced earlier this evening, when I dropped off her prescriptions in her garage.  She came out to get them while I stood back and we talked briefly.  She didn't seem to be in great spirits, if I am honest, but I am hoping she will take it easy so she can feel better soon.

I know it would be best if I did it all now but I am not ready or interested or whatever word would really mean what I am trying to communicate, you probably know the one I mean, though I am not worried about it any more. I just mean that I decided to wait, I guess, that some bit of me is hesitating, (maybe I am afraid?).  I have decided, and I won't say more than that about the decision, will accept that there are consequences. There would be consequences no matter which choice I made. I suppose these are the ones that I prefer.

 I have felt very focused on my poetry lately.  I've done some other writing, of course, and I keep working on my fiction, but the poetry has been the thing that I've been most engaged with.  I suppose this is always true, to some extent, as I am a poet first, but I think something has been happening within my poetry, even if I am not quite certain what it is or how to talk about it, exactly.  I just think that it is where my creative energy seems to be flowing at the moment, and I am glad that I am able to recognize and trust in that.

It is not clear to me if things will be good or if they are broken and it is not possible to make them better. I have made mistakes that I wish I had not made, but it is not possible to change any of that. Maybe I am feeling nervous just because I do that to myself, because I am waiting and do not know and there is nothing I can do anyway, not until the time comes, if it comes. I have to wait and maybe I can do so with a bit of hope instead?

Melissa and I spent today mostly just laying low around home.  I think we are going to try and get a few little errands run tomorrow, but we are both pretty exhausted from driving back.  I am glad to be wrapping up my writing for tonight so that I can get to bed.

It may be that I am wrong and read it all from nothing, but I won't say that is true, because, why  would I say so? It is clear enough, isn't it clear enough? I am thinking what I was taught I should think and what I've been shown is how it works, and so it doesn't matter, does it, if I am wrong right now and here and in this instance, because it is just another example in the same pattern and now it is the way I think of it, too, even when you do not do it yourself the damage is still done: I do it to myself.

We are home.  It is nice to be here, although the air conditioning is not functional in the bedroom and our a/c company can't send anyone out for several days.  In any event, we made it back despite the storm.  It has been fraught, to be honest, but that is another reason it is better to be home.