Would That I Might

I am still feeling pretty lousy, even at this point.  I woke up this morning feeling achy and cold again and was worried that I might be slipping backwards.  I'm sure that I am feeling better than I was a few days ago, of course, but it is still feeling pretty far from where I was before I caught this bug.

I am not safe while you are around I could explain my perspective and make you understand it, too, but I know that would be cruel and would do real harm. You don't understand  the problems, the real ones, and you speak of what you wish without recognizing what you are revealing. It is not good, is nothing kind or sympathetic, is, in fact, cruel and selfish,  You think you want safety, but it is a lie. You want to control. That is the truth your words express. I know you won't realize but you are the one who is dangerous, you are demanding comfort because you can't handle other people actually existing.

I am finding that a lot of the flash fiction I am writing is less narrative, focusing on exploring character instead.  Nothing much happens in many of them, and what does happen isn't really all that important, except as a way to let the character reveal things about how they think.  I am not always satisfied writing these things, to be honest, but I think they are often quite interesting in their own way.  I just wish that I was a bit better with crafting more of a narrative on the fly.  Perhaps with time that is a skill that I will develop.

He has not returned or if he has it has been kept secret from me.  I hope it is not intentional, that he did not come and stay away. I doubt that but I worry. He has been my good friend for a long while but I am not a confident man and I worry there might be reasons he would disappear, that I have done something, that he has decided against me and I won't see him again. I have no reason to think that. It is absurd.  We have been friends for many years now and I know it is fine, he is just busy, has things that draw him away, but I do worry. I have been hurt before and would rather  protect myself than be unprepared.

I am keeping up with my flash fiction, still, but I am finding it rather difficult at times.  I wish that I had more confidence in my efforts, at least on the basic level of feeling like I always have a story that I could write.  In the end, I always seem to find something that I can see as a story of some type, but I am still feeling very uncertain around fiction, even after this time.  Maybe it is just something I need to get used to, or it might be that I can embrace it in some way, learn to trust that lack of clarity and follow it towards something.  I suppose that's what I wind up doing most of the time, even if it is not my plan or preference.

Unsafe I know it is not right for me to say anything, that I should have no opinion, but I do have one and I have feelings about it, and I can't help that it seems clear you don't understand the problem.  I do not want to feel unsafe, unwelcomed, do not want to go back to a place that harmed me, that mistreated us all. You do not care, it seems, but it bothers me, and you would choose that and make it necessary that I return.  That is not alright, though I can not speak of it because I know it will be said I am only causing trouble.

Still recovering from this bug, whatever it is,  My throat is sore and I am tired and achy, still, though I was able to get out and about a bunch more today.  I have the gym again in the morning tomorrow which I am kind of dreading at the moment.  I went on Tuesday and it really kicked my butt, but maybe I will do better this time.