Would That I Might

I have been starting work on a lot of new non-fiction recently.  I'm still working on my long project, but it can be helpful for me to get a break from it, at least for a few days.  Very often, I do not like to step away from a piece until I am done, but in this case, so much is already written that their is a certain inertia which brings me back without too much difficulty.  I suspect that it might be different were it a piece of fiction, though I cannot explain exactly why.  In any event, I have a few shorter essays going now as well.  Tonight, I began one that is discussing language around fatness and why I tend to disagree with those who want to reclaim the word "fat."  My argument, essentially, is that the construction, "I am fat," is literally identifying as fat, not as a person who is carrying excess fat, but as the fat itself, which I find troubling, especially since I have very often felt my identity reduced down solely to that one attribute.

It Did Not Change even as it came to when it was due to be done, it did not change. Nothing was said, it just remained unchanging, remained with the same promise, even when it was too late, when it seemed  as if it was too late, but now it has changed, at last it has.  It is not what was there before, though it is not clear if what is said now is better, or even true.

I wish that I felt more enthusiastic and hopeful about things right now, but things have not been going all that great.  Really, I don't even feel like complaining, it is just that I am sitting here wanting to write my blog post and I am thinking about all this stuff that just has me overwhelmed and a bit scared.  I don't have any real way to make any of resolving the things that are bothering me, at least not in any way that would be positive.  In truth, the thing I most want is to be able to actually do something that will make things better, but I am not able to figure out what I can actually do.  I can think of things that could happen, but they are not things that I have control over.  I feel very stuck, and I have felt this way a long time.  I need to figure out what I can do, but that is what I have said all along, and the truth is that I can't, that this is the way things are and it is not in my power to alter that.

Belonging If they could not do it for all, they should not have done it for anyone. I am certain there were reasons given and excuses made, but they speak of each person being equal, of treating all the same.  That is what is said, but they do these things and do not include everyone and act  as if it cannot be avoided and means nothing. That is not the truth, though. They had a choice and it was made. They can say what they wish about their ideals, I am certain they still believe they follow them.

It has been a rather long and frustrating day and I am not really certain what I want to put on the blog tonight.  In truth, I just want to finish this and get myself ready for bed, but I would like to feel that I actually wrote something meaningful here.  I should probably be alright with the idea that sometimes I just need to do the minimum, just need to get it done for the sake of doing the work and staying on target, but  I don't really like that idea, even if it is probably a healthy and realistic attitude.

Our Plan Did Not Go Well and the things we did instead were nothing I wanted, did not satisfy any of those desires. I am still trapped with them, and they will not relent, will continue to demand what was anticipated, what has been denied. I know, it is impossible to change this, to have it. The chance was missed and it is gone, will not return. It is the way of things, but I am still waiting. I do not know how to let go of it. I want to make it better and not have it be one more thing that has gone all wrong and cannot be corrected.

I am planning to begin a rereading of Dracula .  I have been slowly going over an annotated version of the book, mostly reading the notations, but the book is rather large and cumbersome.  Yesterday, I obtained a small paperback version which I can carry around easily, though I expect that I should prepare to take extensive notes on the book.  I might just grab myself a packet of sticky notes and use those to just mark things up.  That approach is often easier for me, as I don't worry so much about the note itself, if I can make it obvious what line it is referencing, as that is often enough to remind me of what I was noticing or questioning.  It can be quite difficult for me to take good notes because of my handwriting, so anything that makes that easier is a real boon.