Posts

Showing posts from September, 2024

A Writer's Notebook, Two-Thousand-Two-Hundred-And-Thirty-Seven

My mother has covid.  She had tested negative a few days ago, but she decided to take another test today and this one was positive.  I am trying to keep tabs on her while also staying away, which isn't always easy.  I did see her briefly and socially distanced earlier this evening, when I dropped off her prescriptions in her garage.  She came out to get them while I stood back and we talked briefly.  She didn't seem to be in great spirits, if I am honest, but I am hoping she will take it easy so she can feel better soon.

Poem: I know it would be best if I did it all now

I know it would be best if I did it all now but I am not ready or interested or whatever word would really mean what I am trying to communicate, you probably know the one I mean, though I am not worried about it any more. I just mean that I decided to wait, I guess, that some bit of me is hesitating, (maybe I am afraid?).  I have decided, and I won't say more than that about the decision, will accept that there are consequences. There would be consequences no matter which choice I made. I suppose these are the ones that I prefer.

A Writer's Notebook, Two-Thousand-Two-Hundred-And-Thirty-Six

 I have felt very focused on my poetry lately.  I've done some other writing, of course, and I keep working on my fiction, but the poetry has been the thing that I've been most engaged with.  I suppose this is always true, to some extent, as I am a poet first, but I think something has been happening within my poetry, even if I am not quite certain what it is or how to talk about it, exactly.  I just think that it is where my creative energy seems to be flowing at the moment, and I am glad that I am able to recognize and trust in that.

Poem: It is not clear to me if things will be good

It is not clear to me if things will be good or if they are broken and it is not possible to make them better. I have made mistakes that I wish I had not made, but it is not possible to change any of that. Maybe I am feeling nervous just because I do that to myself, because I am waiting and do not know and there is nothing I can do anyway, not until the time comes, if it comes. I have to wait and maybe I can do so with a bit of hope instead?

A Writer's Notebook, Two-Thousand-Two-Hundred-And-Thirty-Five

Melissa and I spent today mostly just laying low around home.  I think we are going to try and get a few little errands run tomorrow, but we are both pretty exhausted from driving back.  I am glad to be wrapping up my writing for tonight so that I can get to bed.

Poem: It may be that I am wrong

It may be that I am wrong and read it all from nothing, but I won't say that is true, because, why  would I say so? It is clear enough, isn't it clear enough? I am thinking what I was taught I should think and what I've been shown is how it works, and so it doesn't matter, does it, if I am wrong right now and here and in this instance, because it is just another example in the same pattern and now it is the way I think of it, too, even when you do not do it yourself the damage is still done: I do it to myself.

A Writer's Notebook, Two-Thousand-Two-Hundred-And-Thirty-Four

We are home.  It is nice to be here, although the air conditioning is not functional in the bedroom and our a/c company can't send anyone out for several days.  In any event, we made it back despite the storm.  It has been fraught, to be honest, but that is another reason it is better to be home.

Poem: The hard work

The hard work must begin. It has waited but, now ?  It is no good, this idle time, all of it passes and then? Something is rising, either we rise upon it or it rises  above.

A Writer's Notebook, Two-Thousand-Two-Hundred-And-Thirty-Three

We made it to St Augustine, though it was not entirely pleasant or safe driving today.  We had a period when we could barely see out the front window.  At least we made it safely for today.  I am not certain what is going to happen tomorrow, but I think I am going to push for staying put for an extra day.

Poem: I think it will be fine

I think it will be fine It seems to be getting better, at least, though I can't be certain  quite yet. It is not good, but it was not as bad any longer, which seems to be a good sign, a shifting trajectory, a change of direction  towards a better state, but I can't be certain, yet. It was my own fault, anyhow. I need to learn.  Maybe, this is how that happens?

A Writer's Notebook, Two-Thousand-Two-Hundred-And-Thirty-Two

We are in Savannah for the night.  It feels a bit insane to me that we are still driving to Florida tomorrow, with the hurricane coming, but it should be fine.  We aren't going west and shpuld be off the road before it makes landfall.  Even so, it doesn't seem like the best possible plan of action.  I did try to say something about staying put an extra day or so, but Mom is clearly eager to get home.

Poem: It has all changed

It has all changed but it is no different so far, it is only the possibilities and all that is still to come, or maybe  it won't come, or not quite what I hope it will be or what I need it to become. It is not certain. That is the way with things that remain in the future.

A Writer's Notebook, Two-Thousand-Two-Hundred-And-Thirty-One

We are in Charlotte and I am exhausted.  I considered not doing my writing tonight, but here I am, still, I do intend to keep it short.

Poem: So much is waiting

So much is waiting and then being told you have waited for a chance to wait more, but be hopeful and cheery: it does no good to complain, but maybe if you are nice enough to the right person...

A Writer's Notebook, Two-Thousand-Two-Hundred-And-Thirty

We are in Richmond tonight and are heading to Charlotte tomorrow.  It has been a rather pleasant trip so far and I am feeling a bit hopeful that it might remain that way.  I really don't want to feel as if that is overly optimistic.

Poem: I wish I had told her

I wish I had told her but I worry she would not understand and would express her judgement. I wish, really, I could tell her and be certain she would care enough to accept it and be kind. I have seen her treat others that way, but it is not how she is  towards me.

A Writer's Notebook, Two-Thousand-Two-Hundred-And-Twenty-Nine

We are in Baltimore tonight and are heading to Richmond tomorrow.  It is a relatively short drive(not even three hours), so I expect it to be an easy day.  I am glad to be finishing up early, though, so I can try to get some decent sleep.  I didn't really sleep very much last night, but I am hoping it will go better tonight.

Poem: It has been good

It has been good so far, at least, and it could be good tomorrow, at least I have hope that it could be, and if it goes well? Can I hope it will keep being that way again? I am not certain what I think or if I can believe in it all continuing, but I can hope(maybe), and I can work  to do what I can for it to go that way, must pay attention and show care with what I say and do and feel.

A Writer's Notebook, Two-Thousand-Two-Hundred-And-Twenty-Eight

Tomorrow is the last day before we depart from New York.  I have mixed feelings about going, but I know that we need to get back.  There is a great deal that should be addressed when we get home.

Poem: Both but neither

Both but neither If I never listen what is the point of any of this at all, but if I listen all the time and never think? It cannot be one way  or the other, can it? That is not the easy thing but it is still the way it is.

A Writer's Notebook, Two-Thousand-Two-Hundred-And-Twenty-Seven

It is late.  The last few nights were early but I was tired enough to treat them as if they were late nights.  Tonight, though, was a late night.  Melissa, my mother, and I went to see the musical Suffs .  I am a bit nixed about the show, if I am honest, but I did enjoy it overall.  Afterwards, my mother suggested we go out for a nightcap and we went to a local bar near where I grew up.  I wound up staying for a bit after Melissa and Mom left, and now I am home and doing my work.  I don't know why I am just stating events this way, except that I am tired and a little drunk, and not in the space to do much more in terms of creative thought, I suppose. Oh well.

Poem: I do not want those things

I do not want those things for the moment, at least, and that is good to notice. Wants are not easy things and have a.tendency to ask for too much or too many things or just enough of the wrong thing that it is not so good, or is that just my wants? I doubt it, but I do not consider all the minds that want and have need and are real inside in the way I am, because how could I be alright thinking of it that way all the time around everyone? But what is that for an answer?

A Writer's Notebook, Two-Thousand-Two-Hundred-And-Twenty-Six

I am yet again seeming to get through my work rather early, and I am, once more, quite tired.  It was a long and busy day, and we got quite a few things that were on the schedule.   We leave Subday, so we only have a few days left before we begin the journey back to Florida.

Poem: Describing The Problem

Describing The Problem I am sitting with all the nothing and it weighs too much, and there is more that needs to be sorted waiting until there is room to drag the rest up here.

A Writer's Notebook, Two-Thousand-Two-Hundred-And-Twenty-Five

I am glad to be calling it a night relatively early this evening.  Hopefully I can get some decent sleep, as well.  Going to keep it short so I can get to bed.

Poem: It Was A Promise

It Was A Promise I did not say it without meaning it, all the way and without needing more or something else to be given, though it is  not without danger to trust and hope. You can choose and I  will feel whatever comes of your response.

A Writer's Notebook, Two-Thousand-Two-Hundred-And-Twenty-Four

Melissa and I went out with some of her friends tonight.  It was a pleasant evening and I know that Melissa was happy to spend time with them.  We actually decided to go back to a restaurant we had tried before when they seemed to be having an off night and this time it was pleasantly surprising, which was quite nice, as it is quite near my mother's apartment.  It is always nice to have another place in the neighborhood.

Poem: Someone will ask

Someone will ask and I will say something kind but bland and not so much enthusiastic and I  feel guilty because I know it is unkind even if I feel one way and not the other and this is how I can be honest, but I know it is not good or kind or  what is wanted. I should be more generous to you, I think, but I wonder if that is because I am accustomed to being the one who must concede.

A Writer's Notebook, Two-Thousand-Two-Hundred-And-Twenty-Three

Last night was my brother's wedding.  I didn't get home until around four in the morning, and that was after being out nearly as late on Friday after the rehearsal dinner.  I am trying to wrap up my work early tonight so I can get myself to bed soon.

Poem: I am hoping

I am hoping but still doubtful, which seems impossible, but it is true, is what I am feeling. I do want  things to go the way I know is best, but I am afraid and I know the consequences of things going another way. I do not know how to influence what is to come, but I know what is needed, and I have hope. I wish I had more but what I have is hope.

A Writer's Notebook, Two-Thousand-Two-Hundred-And-Twenty-Two

Tonight was my the rehearsal dinner for my brother's wedding.  It was a nice event, I think, and I believe he and his bride enjoyed themselves.  I wound up growing out with him and a few of his friends for drinks afterwards, which went fine, I think.  I do wish I had gotten home a little earlier, but it was a nice evening overall.

Poem: I know I must be better

I know I must be better but the world is difficult, is filled with so much that becomes  an obstacle, or else a temptation. I can know better and still do worse.

A Writer's Notebook, Two-Thousand-Two-Hundred-And-Twenty-Two

I finally wrote the speech I plan to give at my brother's wedding.  I had it in my head, formulated, almost to the word, but I needed to get it nailed down to the page.  I think it is good, though I expect I will read it over again and tinker, just a bit.  I suppose that is to be expected.

Poem: It will take time

It will take time and I do not know what that means, not now, not in this world, in it now, with the precarity. I know  it will be  one thing or it will be the other, I know there is not another way. I have hope, but it may come too late. It all depends, doesn't it, and I must hope.

A Writer's Notebook, Two-Thousand-Two-Hundred-And-Twenty-One

 My brother's wedding is this weekend.  I am the best man.  I have to write my speech.  It is already in my head, but I have not put any of it on paper.  I need to make sure I do that tomorrow.  After tomorrow it will be too late.

Poem: I want time

I want time and more than time and things that are not time plus more  but things I want that matter to me.  You are not the one who decides, can never be more or enough or anything else. I am lost and want you to find me. I am here. I will cry out  if only you could listen.

A Writer's Notebook, Two-Thousand-Two-Hundred-And-Twenty

One of the advantages of writing as much as I do is that I don't usually feel all that egotistical about what I have written.  I am not, as it were, precious about my poems.  Part of this is just because by the time I am revising a poem, I have probably written dozens more.  I rarely feel attached to a specific line in the way I might be if I didn't write so much as I do.

Poem: A Bit Longer

A Bit Longer It comes  soon, but not quite yet, only very soon, too soon, maybe to not  be ready, but I  will be. I am preparing for the actual preparations.

A Writer's Notebook, Two-Thousand-Two-Hundred-And-Nineteen

It is late tonight and I did not intend it to be.  I would have been better off finishing my evening hours earlier, but here I am.  At least I know that I still finished my writing.  That has to count for something.

Poem: I should have been better

 I should have been better or careful, or restrained,. but I did this instead and I know there are consequences  I do not want to be responsible, who wants to be responsible? That is clear but it is  too late for any such decision.

A Writer's Notebook, Two-Thousand-Two-Hundred-And-Eighteen

I am sitting on the balcony at my mother's apartment.  It is the only place to be alone.  It is where I have sat most nights since we've been here but tonight it is quite cold.  I am eager to finish this up and go back inside.

Poem: We went back

We went back and it was nice even if not all the things went right or were what was wanted, but it was good, easy and, also, pleasant, and good in those ways which was enough and more than that.

A Writer's Notebook, Two-Thousand-Two-Hundred-And-Seventeen

It has been a rather long day, so I am going to keep this short for tonight.  At one point, I actually was considering not writing, but I rarely succumb to such an urge.  Even so, I am quite tired at the moment and ready to call it a night.

Poem: There was danger

There was danger and I  do not know what I  would have done of it had gone farther, of I was prepared or capable. I do not know, and I  am glad not to know.

A Writer's Notebook, Two-Thousand-Two-Hundred-And-Sixteen

I had a rather productive day today.   I wrapped up work on the draft for my newsletter, which had been going somewhat slow, and I dealt with some important correspondence, as well.  Beyond that, I got my usual writing done.  All in all, I feel like I accomplished quite a bit.

Poem: Binary

Binary I am not certain how good it was, as a choice. I decided and it is  not as if there were many options, anyhow.  Either I picked the best thing or the worst.

A Writer's Notebook, Two-Thousand-Two-Hundred-And-Fifeen

I got some good news tonight and I am feeling quite excited.  I hope I can share more specifics tomorrow.

Poem: But the kindness

But the kindness It is strange but the kindnesses are not meant to hurt, only they do and it cannot  br ignored. We can  pretend or we can do as we wish. Either way there is more.

A Writer's Notebook, Two-Thousand-Two-Hundred-And-Fourteen

I have been working on a revision of a piece I wrote that is going out as part of my newsletter this month.  It is mostly done, but it has been suggested that it needs a bit more to it, and that certain specific issues would be good to address.  I had wanted to finish it up tonight, but I think I may need a bit more time to work on it.

Poem: It is a bad idea

It is a bad idea but it is what I want, and I have waited for something close although it is still not  quite the same, is only a shadow or crumb or just less than what was and is not and will not be again, but it is more than there was. It is not good for me, but it was a long time before anything came at all. I will not be wise and regret myself.

A Writer's Notebook, Two-Thousand-Two-Hundred-And-Thirtee ÷

I am still feeling quite exhausted after last night's festivities, but now that I am wrapping up my work for tonight, I can start to get ready for bed. 

Poem: It is no good and it won't change

It is no good and it won't change and I know that, but it is still no good, still wrong and I  am aching and needing and feeling in all those ways. You say I must accept and move on, and I know it is the way things are now, but it is still not good, it is still not anything I can be alright with. What can I do? I need a way to make it better, even if  that is impossible.

A Writer's Notebook, Two-Thousand-Two-Hundred-And-Twelve

I took my brother and some of his friends out to celebrate his upcoming wedding.  It wasn't quite a batchelors party, but only because that wasn't what he wanted.  I think everyone enjoyed it, including my brother.

Poem: I see it

I see it that arch sitting alone but bright with  its own light or not its own but from the lights that intend to keep it lit. The rest of the park is dark and I cannot see anything, not one tree.  They are gone from view when I am so far and it is night. Only the arch that men made and plaed and lit  is visible. I do not think the rest is gone, but it is still evening.