Would That I Might

Other people know They are talking about it, too, and talk about it as I do, with the same questions, the same wondering  that I am scolded for. It is all strange. You should know it is not only that I think so: it is strange. I do not mean to offend you.

I have been focusing on trying to get my work done a bit earlier in the evening lately.  In part this is just a response to the reality that I tend to wake up early, almost in spite of whatever time I went to sleep.  It is also, though, an end within itself.  I am very much aware that my writing is largely a discipline for me, that it took pushing myself to do the work each day before I was really able to get anywhere with actually writing the things I always thought about writing.  These days, I am still often trying to push myself to do work in one way or another.  I have been focused on my poetry lately, and that is a positive thing, I believe, but it is also true that I have been hesitant to get back to work on other types of writing, and I want to get through whatever obstacle that is.  For me, I think that working on my writing habits in small and practical ways, like focusing on my tendency to procrastinate or distract myself before doing work, is, I think, a step towards pushin

Already, there is a loss and not the one that was expected, not that.  It is not that it won't go, too, but there is something else that has vanished first and it was never a thing anyone ever noticed or named, but now it is vanishing and that will make it different. So many have not even noticed yet.

I went for a massage today.  It is not something I really do all that often, but my back has been hurting recently and my doctor recommended that it might help me, and I do feel quite good after, if I am honest.  It was also a chance to destress a bit, which I definitely have been in need of.  I don't know how much it will help in terms of that, in the long run, at least, but I am glad to feel a bit relaxed, at least in this moment.

I am ignoring it which is not blissful at all, if you want to know.  It is always there, even if I am not trying to notice or think about it or be even a bit aware of what is happening, but I do know, I am not able to keep from knowing that it is happening, even if I am ignoring all the details. I don't think it would be better, really, to know them. I cannot do anything to change things and there is nothing to do but wait, whatever is happening and whatever comes of it. I just wish ignoring it actually helped, even if only in terms of  my own anxiety.

I am starting to get a real push from my mind to begin working on some new work.  There have been a few story ideas floating about in my brain for a while, already, with one that feels quite ready for me to buckle down on it, and now I have another idea that seems to be growing in a different and less clear way, but which is compelling me towards the page as well.  I wish I felt more energy right in the moment, but I am dragging quite a lot right now, as I have acknowledged before.  I do trust that I am going to push myself into a higher gear soon, though, and I think it may be the best thing for me in terms of dealing with all the stuff I am trying to process.  The irony of it is that once I start working on this stuff, I will probably feel energized for my effort.