Would That I Might

You are breaking, aren't you and you know it.  I know what is happening, have watched it and thought it  would come, have been a witness if nothing else, if not more. I am one who has seen it, who might have known or thought it was this way, that it would come to be, and now?  You are not  ready for it to come down, to come apart, how could you be?  Why would anyone expect you to be? But it was always coming to this, you had to realize that. And soon, it will be what everyone knows, it will be exposed, and then?  I do not know what comes, but I have  some hope it might be for everyone's best.

I am having a bit of a strange time today, in terms of my own mentality.  I mean that I have kind of been struggling with issues that come from my dyslexia.  It is strange, but there are some days where it just feels like I am more neuro-diverse than others, and today was definitely one of those.  I was constantly getting turned around and felt kind of overstimulated by everything around me.  I took a nap this afternoon which seemed to help a bit.  I am hopeful that it will be easier tomorrow.

He tells me the check did not clear but the bank shows it as having been paid, but he says it didn't reach him, the money, I mean. He has the check, and he deposited it. He has never played games with me, or done anything to make me not trust that it is true, that he is lying or trying to get away with something or another.\ He does not seem angry, maybe annoyed?  I don't know.  It is not clear to me. I think he is just telling me what is true and nothing more. I should ask the bank to look into it, I guess. If he still says he does not have his money tomorrow, I will call the bank. I should have asked them to do it today, probably. He is the one I am making wait.

I am, for once, getting my work done before eleven, which is nice, especially as I had to be up early this morning and am planning on getting up kind of early tomorrow, as well.  I also got some other work done that I needed to deal with.  There are still a number of things that I need to prioritize, but I feel like I am making progress, which is all that I can really hope for, I suppose, and does help to lower the tension for me.

I feel bad for the guard at the museum who was stationed in the gallery room with that one piece  we saw today that had the video camera, the one that said |"welcome," each time  person walked into the frame on the television monitor that displayed the live feed. It was that type  of electronic voice, like you would here opening a shop door, only it went off twenty, thirty times each minute, or that is how it was  when we were there, when it was busy. I would hope there are quiet times, because that guard has to get sick of it. Maybe that is the point, is why.  I am not certain I understood the reasoning, but I guess it is about that, is about the idea of being welcomed in a way that feels abrasive or alienating and impersonal. I could just be reading into things, though.

I feel quite overwhelmed at the moment.  For one thing, I have a lot to do in regards to prepare for my chapbook to be published.  I also am still dealing with things to fix up our home, and that is somewhat stressful at the moment.  Beyond any of that, I also have a lot of personal stuff that has been difficult.  I need to be able to make certain changes to improve things for Melissa and I, but it has been challenging.  I'm not at all sure what to do about a lot of it, but I am hopeful that I will get there, it just feels like a lot right now.